not black (enough?).... how do I respond?

So I coach boys and girls high school sports and just love it. When Firefly was born, I took 5 weeks off to stay home and bond. During that time I brought her to practice, where my athletes were able to see the little girl I had talked so much about. It was great. I felt like I got to model healthy parenthood for them and the team loved seeing her. They knew our story of open adoption, and that Firefly was multi racial.

One visit, an athlete asked about her ethnicity, and I said she was black (a more accurate response on my part would have been "she's multi-racial"), that day I wasn't up to a long discussion about ethnicity. My star all-league senior girl came over and took one look at her, and then in a tone of disgust, proclaimed "she is not black." and walked away.

Now my All-star does describe herself as black or African American, and can be very disagreeable at times. She has a habit of ripping on others in a loud voice for all to hear. But this was my daughter, and I was the head coach, and both the content of what she said and her tone just pissed me off.

I think I retorted with a frustrated barrage of "well misses know it all, what makes someone black? is it how dark a person is? We all know that's not true. I tell you what her birth dad is as black as your dad, so what does that make her?"

I didn't really care if she was listening, because this athlete doesn't listen well anyways, but I needed her to know I was upset and that she needed to be more careful with what she said about Firefly if she was going to be on my good side. I also wanted all the athletes surrounding us to understand that what I thought she said was not OK.

But anyways, I've replayed this in my head a number of times, never satisfied with my response. Would be interested in hearing your thoughts. I feel like I need to be more prepared next time, for Firefly's sake.

meeting Firefly's birthdad

So my wife is teasing me that I'm being too emo with my posts, so here is a more factual up to date on where we are with our "openness."

Firefly is almost 6 months old, and from before her birth we've had a positive working relationship with her birthmom, FM. Things with FM were and still are great, she called yesterday and told me that the more she is around Hero and me, the more she feels like she can be herself. She felt free enough to tell me some things that have been pretty emotional for her these last two weeks. It had been helpful for her to see Firefly, show her to some close friends, and just see how well she is doing. It feels like slowly, we are becoming family to each other.

Firefly's birthdad, FD, needed some time to figure out what role he was going to play in her life. The social worker at our adoption agency contacted him but it just seemed he wasn't ready to deal with what was happening. After some cool God moments (or random coincidences that were in our favor), FD bumped into our social worker at a restaurant, FD bumped into FM on the bus and FM was able to tell him about Hero and me and how well Firefly was doing, he decided it was time for him to check in.

Throughout this process I found myself hoping that he would include himself in Firefly's life. Through our experience with Puppy, so much of his physical attributes and future personality are linked to PD that getting to know PD felt like such a big part of knowing our son. I also think Puppy has greatly benefited from PD's presence. Knowing who PD is and that PD loves him I think helps him feel complete. There was a cool moment for me in the car when Puppy was going through a list of his important people with Hero and he said "PD is my birth daddy, PM is my birthmom, your my mommy mommy, and daddy is my daddy daddy." It was a precious moment that I will forever cherish.

So last Thursday we met with FD for the first time. Immediately I got a positive vibe from him, a feeling like this was a person open to a relationship. We met at the adoption agency with our social worker and spent an hour learning about each other and sharing about our hopes for the future. He held Firefly most of the meeting, and it was awesome. You could see the resemblance so clearly, she had big eyebrows like his and their eyes were both a deep dark brown. I could see that she gets her killer eyelashes from him. Firefly has lost patches of baby hair these first 5 months and it was really helpful to hear that his hair had been exactly the same as an infant and that we shouldn't worry, it would grow in. The most touching part was seeing him stare into her eyes with a big smile while she googoo-ed back and pulled on his hair and goatee. It was just a great time.

Obviously, one good meeting doesn't make a friendship or a lasting connection, but I was grateful for the start. It was all that I hoped for. Hero and I were able to explain some of our fears about the future, that one day he would just disappear from Firefly's life and she wouldn't know why. We expressed our hopes that on days like her birthday or Christmas if he wasn't able to see her, to send a card or something so that she would know that he is one of her special people. He received it well and I feel really hopeful about the future.

I never thought upon entering into adoption I would be so concerned with birth families staying involved. Its been a thoroughly exhausting process, we came home from meeting with FD (we stopped by to see FM on the way home) spent. But as I write today I'm so grateful for the gift of these relationships. As I think about the Puppy and Firefly growing up, knowing their birth parents and connecting with them in real ways, I feel like all the time I'm putting in now is worth it. Here's to the future.

Peace.

Its not about me

I had a pretty easy time getting to know our kids birth parents. I seemed to hit it off well with all three. We could talk sports, family, life, whatever, I felt all was cool. Hero didn't seem to connect quite as quickly, and I couldn't understand why. There seemed to be some hurdled she had to jump in sorting out all of the emotions and roles that come with motherhood and birth motherhood. I just didn't understand as I watched from my point of view why it was hard? I'm block-headed sometime. Then the kiss happened.

We had PD fly in for the weekend to bond with Puppy and just hang out. We thought it would be a great time to get to know him without family around and he could see Puppy in his regular setting. You know, get a true sense of what kind of kid he was. The weekend went great. Puppy was anticipating PD's arrival, and woke him up the first morning at the crack of dawn to show him his trains. I think PD was really touched by how quickly Puppy warmed up to him. We went to the park, read books together, did all of Puppy's favorite activities with PD in tow. By the third day Puppy was all over PD, in his lap, on his back, running and tackling. It was all I could have hoped for.

Then as we all were on the floor doing something I can't remember, PD had Puppy in his lap and spontaneously kissed him on his temple. It was the kind of kiss that I give Puppy. The random "I love you" that he doesn't acknowledge but loves. The little somethin' that makes a bond between a dad and his kid ultra special. I should have been stoked because the connection we were hoping would happen between son and birth dad was totally happening. I should have been excited because it would be a story I would be able to tell Puppy for the rest of his life. Instead, all I could think of was "I'm dad, I kiss him like that, not you." I felt anger, the need to protect Puppy, and a little betrayed. I immediately felt the need to assert my self as "daddy daddy" or something so Puppy would not be confused as to whom he would be getting his long term daddy fix from.

Luckily I kept my emotional whirlwind to myself, and I was able to pretend like I was cool. In retrospect I have realized that PD's ability to be free to express his pleasure and happiness in Puppy was a great thing. I'm glad it happened. But I've realized that acknowledging that in fact Puppy does have another dad (which of course I've always known) that I need to include in his life for his own sake will take some growth on my part to embrace with a full and true heart. But, like I knew from the beginning, this isn't about me, its about Puppy. For him, I'll do whatever it takes.

PS. We meet FD for the first time tomorrow, so we're hoping for the best.

a particular type of pain

The thing about adoption, whether it's open or closed, is that there is a lot of pain involved. You know what I'm talking about, the pain of being unable to raise your child, the pain of being unable to produce biological offspring, to name a few. But you can choose to expose the pain, share it, bring it out in the open and let it hurt. It hurts bad. But it can heal. Its true, others feel the hurt, may even be hurt by it. But when we share it into a supportive community like a wound that is cleaned and given oxygen it does begin to heal. I think that is one of the main reasons I am 100% committed to full openness in adoptions. By its very nature openness deals honestly with the past, present and future of the families involved. How can you work through your grief, your pain, unless you acknowledge it? How can you heal unless you grieve whatever loss you're working through and come to that place of acceptance. It strikes me that the adoption process involves all the adults working through this pain, grieving, coming to a place of self acceptance, and the ability to accept each other, so that someday our children will be able to fully accept who they are and be healthy in their personal identity. They will know if fact that they do belong. Man, I so want Puppy and Firefly to have a strong sense of belonging.

Before Hero (that's what I'll be calling Heather my wife) and I got married, we discussed the fact that both of us were interested in adopting children in the future. But as we began the process, and then adopted Puppy, and then proceeded in Firefly's adoption, it became apparent that I might never have biological children. I guess deep down I had always assumed adoption would be an "and 1." I thought mixed for us would mean both biological and adopted children filling our house with laughter and zrbts.

At the first adoption orientation meeting when we began to prepare for Firefly's arrival, the social worker started the session with the reality that adoption originates in pain. Whether it is in the inability to parent ones own child, or the inability to produce biological children, people enter with scars that are deep. She made a comment about how she has found many men struggle with the pain that comes from having to let go of the dream of raising biological children that share similar traits that only genetics can pass on. The thought of raising them, seeing your self in them, seeing how you function from a similar operating system, or look at life with the same playbook, is very difficult to let go. No one had ever summed up what had been growing in my soul for the last couple of years, and as I tried to share in the group share time I just couldn't without breaking down. I felt it, I heard it, and it hurt.

I had so wanted to see a little-T, doing his thing, seeing if he shared a love for music or football and had a natural uber-enthusiasm. Hero is a frickin' genius, I have never met a woman who thinks like she does, sees the world so analytically as she does, and feels things to the depth of her soul like she does, and so I was deep down always anticipating what our offspring would be like. They would dominate the world. :-) I told myself. The thought of this never happening created a sense of desperate loss, a realization of grief, and unresolved gash in my soul that I had not been able to be communicate or feel, but when released felt like someone had shoved Mentos down my belly full of diet coke. There was no holding back the emotions.

At the time Puppy was almost 2. I loved him so much. He had become so much of my world. His laughter, dimples, big ol' ears and beautiful heart (you should see him try to comfort his 5 mos old sister, a joy to behold) how could I be having these thoughts? Wasn't his place in our family enough? Was I ungrateful for continuing to feel this pain?

As I reflected and let the pain be, I wondered what some of the roots of it might be. I realized that there was a part of me that was deathly afraid of losing Hero. If something happened to her, what would I have of her, what would carry on that would be a part of here? I think I thought that a biological child would have her DNA, her genetic thumb-print, and if she was gone I could find her in our child. She wouldn't have altogether disappeared. As I started understanding this part of the pain, I also realized that Puppy was becoming old enough to reflect the personalities of his parents. He would mimic our expressions, mannerisms, and actions. I started watching closely and began to see more and more of Hero in him. Over the last year I've seen even more. It began to dawn on me that in the story of nature vs. nurture, Puppy and Firefly would never have our DNA thumb-print in their lives, but who they are is so shaped by how we communicate, discipline, celebrate, and invest in their little lives.

Hero, I admit, does a lot more reading about child rearing than I do, and has added a large amount to our styles, strategies, and methods of managing our children's sleep, discipline, nutrition, and activities. There are who they are now because of her, and would be way different without her. As this dawned on me, it didn't erase the pain I felt about the loss of biological children, but it was amazing at how much it took the edge off. With this realization I actually told myself, you know what T, if biological children are in our future that is going to be great, but if not, you are going to be OK. You'll have Hero in both of your children forever anyways.

Puppy can count to 13, say his ABC's, sing the "North America, South America, Europe Asia Africa" song, and he can find Oregon and California on the map. All things which make me proud. He also can be genuinely apologetic and empathetic. "Its OK Firefly" he says often when his sister is crying. I know some of this comes naturally, but I know a good amount of it comes from how we are raising him. Seeing him embody the things that we are trying to pass on has helped me move beyond most of the pain and spend most of my energy just being excited to watch these kids grow up.

This process began a little more than a year ago for me, and I'm still working through the question of biological children, whether it will happen for us or not, but I've come to terms with it and found a peace. A peace that I think will allow me to fully enjoy my life with Puppy, Firefly, and Hero, whether we continue to add children to our family or not.

Heres hoping you can find peace amidst your pain as well.

(A)Dad, an introduction

Hey Folks,

I'm a dad with two adoptive children, Puppy (2yrs - boy) and Firefly (5mos-girl). Heather and I have open relationships with most of the birth parents so far, and it has gone really well. Puppy's birth parents are out of state, and Firefly's are an hour away. I look very similar to Puppy's birthdad, some might think we are brothers, so many people assume he his our biological child. Firefly is multiracial (caucasion, african-american, ?) and so our little family is excited as we experience and look forward to all the challenges and unique growth that come with being a multi-racial family.

I am trying out this blogging thing because 1) I'm an extrovert to the max and if I can't share it with someone, it ain't real; and 2) I'm beginning to think that there aren't enough adoptive fathers who are reflecting about their adoption experience and sharing their thoughts and experiences with others online. I hope my viewpoint and frame of reference will provide a fresh and needed perspective on the experience of becoming and being an open adoptive family.

A big value for me is growth, and as it takes a village to raise a child, I think it takes a community of thinkers and risk takers to get us to that place of wholeness, belonging, and peace that we want to experience in our families. I don't want to invent the wheel (please excuse the excessive use of cliches - I'm a high school football/track and field coach and I'm addicted to them) so I'm hoping to learn from you all and hopefully I'll be able help others as I'm open about what I'm learning.

I've never done this before, so I'm sure I'll be rusty and somewhat unknowing when it comes to interacting smoothly with this format, but my goal is to be honest and hopeful in all situations. Here's to growth.

Peace.

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