Reaching Out

Hey y'all, here's my once a year apology for being the lamest and most infrequent blogger you know....

Things have been crazy, I've been working my tail off taking on additional responsibilities at work, I just finished coaching football for a team of 15 year olds (we lost all 9 of our games but had a great time together) and I'm getting ready to coach a track and field team off high school boys and girls in a month, its going to be a blast. Through it all I've done my best to drop my work at 5pm and hurry home to spend the time that Puppy, Firefly and Hero deserve. I'm forever grateful for them.

In the adoption world, things are a bit foggy right now. Its been important to Hero and me that we put in the time and effort to establish real relationships with our children's birth parents now while we are in the beginning of their lives believing that it will pay big dividends to their healthy well being in the future. Our adult relationships with their birthparents will hopefully evolve into relationships that they can enjoy and thrive in as they grow up.

Unfortunately, it's just not always that easy. One of the birth parents, Firefly's birth dad, has been distant from the start, but recently has expressed an interest in time with her. I think he sees the relationship we've created with Firefly's birth mom and maybe feels that he's entitled to the same relationship right now. Now it is my hope that we can have a similar relationship with him, but unfortunately we don't, largely due to his choices so far.

So this month it is my goal to take the baby steps necessary to move our relationship with him in that positive open direction. I've tried calling him on his cell and I seem to be unable to get through, so now I'm going to send a postcard with my cell number on it. We'll see if it works. If all goes well and we have a good phone conversation, we plan to drive to his town and spend some time with him by the end of the month. This month Firefly turns two, oh my goodness.

I anticipate a whole lot of awkwardness and a real need for trust to be established. Here's to family not always being easy, but always being family. I'll keep you updated on what happens.

Tonight I will drink a tasty local microbrew in honor off all parents who work through those awkward moments and conversations for the love of their children. May your pursuit of openness bring you all a healthy sense of belonging and wholeness.

200% Dad

So funny thing, I'm hanging out with Beth, Firefly's Birthmom, and she asks me about Ray's recent visit and how that was for me. Get that, the birthmom of my adopted daughter asking me how I'm doing emotionally after a long sustained visit from the birthdad of my adopted son. Only in an Open Adoption. :-)

I shared that this visit was great and I loved to see the two (Puppy and Ray) bonding and spending time together. I told her that the time that was tough for me was the previous visit a year ago. Ray had come out and was having a great time and Puppy was really warming up to him. On day two of the visit I came down stairs to see them playing together and Ray very tenderly patting Puppy's head and reaching over to kiss him on his temple.

I froze. I started to sweat. That's how a dad is supposed to interact with his son. But that's my son, I'm the dad. These thoughts swirled through my head. I took a step down the stairs. Wait, I thought, Puppy does have two dads. Yeah, I'm the one who does the parenting, but he gets his DNA, his biology, his nature, probably most of his personality from the genetic mix that is 50% Ray. At that moment I knew with my heart (I already knew this with my head) that Puppy would always have two daddies and that they both loved him dearly. I knew with my heart that I would never be all of his daddy because there were certain special things that only Ray could be ( a link to his biological history, for example).

I loved Puppy so much, how could I ever get in the way or discourage his little mind and heart from exploring and enjoying all 200% of his daddies. With that in mind I've felt free to love Ray as family and embrace him as part of Puppy's daddy experience. Yeah, I'm Dad, but Ray is Birthdad and that part is mega special. I'm grateful that we can help Puppy know and enjoy him.

I was glad to be able to share that with Beth.

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For all of those who have left comments on my few posts, I am extremely grateful. I've responded to many of your posts in the comments section of each post.

Why I love being an adoptive dad #1

Coming home from work early to play with the kids.

A blanket, a baby, a two year old, and a roll in the front lawn.

Playing catch with Puppy for the first time using real baseball gloves.

Bouncing Firefly on my lap while she smiles and makes her "OH" face.

Sharing with FM all the wonderful things about her daughter.

Seeing FM sit on the floor with Firefly as they play and play and play.

A year ago, I met my daughter's birth mom..

So about a year ago I met Firefly's birthmom (FM). I remember walking into the room with Hero, nervous as hell. I had felt relaxed all the way there and the drive hadn't bothered me at all. But as soon as we arrived, when I realized that there was only a wooden door between us and our potentially future family member, my insides began turning cartwheels.

There's something about openness in adoption that makes me think of marriage. You get the spouse, but the inlaws are part of the package. With openness you are entrusted with a child to love and to raise, but you are also called, for the child's sake, to bring their parents into their circle of love and family as best and as real as you can.

When you commit to openness its a commitment to so much more than parenthood. Its a commitment to open your life to a whole new family. If our own families weren't as crazy and jacked up as they could be, here you are uniting with another clan, full of their own bumps and bruises.

Its crazy to think about it, but as I was getting ready to walk into that room, it was like meeting a person who would be vitally integral to my family's well being for a long time to come. Talk about pressure. I sure hoped we got off well.

I believe there is a window of opportunity when you just meet somebody. You can set the tone for the relationship you are going to have. You can be real, vulnerable, open and honest, or you can remain aloof and communicate that you are only willing to do the minimum. This belief also made me feel the intensity of the moment, as I knew we had an opportunity that I didn't want to let slip by. I wanted to establish some things that all of us would need down the road. No pressure.

The time went well, there were lots of tears, smiles, and hope for the future was there. Since Firefly has come home with us, we've been able to see FM about once a month, and we are driving out to see her this weekend. Firefly has grown and changed so much with each passing month it has been great to see FM interact with her at each stage and enjoy her beautiful changes.

One of the first times we went out to see her FM made a picture frame with butterflies and buttons, and the word DREAM. It has the cutest picture of the two of them in it, from Firefly's first month, and it sits at the end table next to her bed.

It means a lot to me that Firefly will know that from the beginning FM was alongside, an important and loving part of her life.

meeting Firefly's birthdad

So my wife is teasing me that I'm being too emo with my posts, so here is a more factual up to date on where we are with our "openness."

Firefly is almost 6 months old, and from before her birth we've had a positive working relationship with her birthmom, FM. Things with FM were and still are great, she called yesterday and told me that the more she is around Hero and me, the more she feels like she can be herself. She felt free enough to tell me some things that have been pretty emotional for her these last two weeks. It had been helpful for her to see Firefly, show her to some close friends, and just see how well she is doing. It feels like slowly, we are becoming family to each other.

Firefly's birthdad, FD, needed some time to figure out what role he was going to play in her life. The social worker at our adoption agency contacted him but it just seemed he wasn't ready to deal with what was happening. After some cool God moments (or random coincidences that were in our favor), FD bumped into our social worker at a restaurant, FD bumped into FM on the bus and FM was able to tell him about Hero and me and how well Firefly was doing, he decided it was time for him to check in.

Throughout this process I found myself hoping that he would include himself in Firefly's life. Through our experience with Puppy, so much of his physical attributes and future personality are linked to PD that getting to know PD felt like such a big part of knowing our son. I also think Puppy has greatly benefited from PD's presence. Knowing who PD is and that PD loves him I think helps him feel complete. There was a cool moment for me in the car when Puppy was going through a list of his important people with Hero and he said "PD is my birth daddy, PM is my birthmom, your my mommy mommy, and daddy is my daddy daddy." It was a precious moment that I will forever cherish.

So last Thursday we met with FD for the first time. Immediately I got a positive vibe from him, a feeling like this was a person open to a relationship. We met at the adoption agency with our social worker and spent an hour learning about each other and sharing about our hopes for the future. He held Firefly most of the meeting, and it was awesome. You could see the resemblance so clearly, she had big eyebrows like his and their eyes were both a deep dark brown. I could see that she gets her killer eyelashes from him. Firefly has lost patches of baby hair these first 5 months and it was really helpful to hear that his hair had been exactly the same as an infant and that we shouldn't worry, it would grow in. The most touching part was seeing him stare into her eyes with a big smile while she googoo-ed back and pulled on his hair and goatee. It was just a great time.

Obviously, one good meeting doesn't make a friendship or a lasting connection, but I was grateful for the start. It was all that I hoped for. Hero and I were able to explain some of our fears about the future, that one day he would just disappear from Firefly's life and she wouldn't know why. We expressed our hopes that on days like her birthday or Christmas if he wasn't able to see her, to send a card or something so that she would know that he is one of her special people. He received it well and I feel really hopeful about the future.

I never thought upon entering into adoption I would be so concerned with birth families staying involved. Its been a thoroughly exhausting process, we came home from meeting with FD (we stopped by to see FM on the way home) spent. But as I write today I'm so grateful for the gift of these relationships. As I think about the Puppy and Firefly growing up, knowing their birth parents and connecting with them in real ways, I feel like all the time I'm putting in now is worth it. Here's to the future.

Peace.

Its not about me

I had a pretty easy time getting to know our kids birth parents. I seemed to hit it off well with all three. We could talk sports, family, life, whatever, I felt all was cool. Hero didn't seem to connect quite as quickly, and I couldn't understand why. There seemed to be some hurdled she had to jump in sorting out all of the emotions and roles that come with motherhood and birth motherhood. I just didn't understand as I watched from my point of view why it was hard? I'm block-headed sometime. Then the kiss happened.

We had PD fly in for the weekend to bond with Puppy and just hang out. We thought it would be a great time to get to know him without family around and he could see Puppy in his regular setting. You know, get a true sense of what kind of kid he was. The weekend went great. Puppy was anticipating PD's arrival, and woke him up the first morning at the crack of dawn to show him his trains. I think PD was really touched by how quickly Puppy warmed up to him. We went to the park, read books together, did all of Puppy's favorite activities with PD in tow. By the third day Puppy was all over PD, in his lap, on his back, running and tackling. It was all I could have hoped for.

Then as we all were on the floor doing something I can't remember, PD had Puppy in his lap and spontaneously kissed him on his temple. It was the kind of kiss that I give Puppy. The random "I love you" that he doesn't acknowledge but loves. The little somethin' that makes a bond between a dad and his kid ultra special. I should have been stoked because the connection we were hoping would happen between son and birth dad was totally happening. I should have been excited because it would be a story I would be able to tell Puppy for the rest of his life. Instead, all I could think of was "I'm dad, I kiss him like that, not you." I felt anger, the need to protect Puppy, and a little betrayed. I immediately felt the need to assert my self as "daddy daddy" or something so Puppy would not be confused as to whom he would be getting his long term daddy fix from.

Luckily I kept my emotional whirlwind to myself, and I was able to pretend like I was cool. In retrospect I have realized that PD's ability to be free to express his pleasure and happiness in Puppy was a great thing. I'm glad it happened. But I've realized that acknowledging that in fact Puppy does have another dad (which of course I've always known) that I need to include in his life for his own sake will take some growth on my part to embrace with a full and true heart. But, like I knew from the beginning, this isn't about me, its about Puppy. For him, I'll do whatever it takes.

PS. We meet FD for the first time tomorrow, so we're hoping for the best.

(A)Dad, an introduction

Hey Folks,

I'm a dad with two adoptive children, Puppy (2yrs - boy) and Firefly (5mos-girl). Heather and I have open relationships with most of the birth parents so far, and it has gone really well. Puppy's birth parents are out of state, and Firefly's are an hour away. I look very similar to Puppy's birthdad, some might think we are brothers, so many people assume he his our biological child. Firefly is multiracial (caucasion, african-american, ?) and so our little family is excited as we experience and look forward to all the challenges and unique growth that come with being a multi-racial family.

I am trying out this blogging thing because 1) I'm an extrovert to the max and if I can't share it with someone, it ain't real; and 2) I'm beginning to think that there aren't enough adoptive fathers who are reflecting about their adoption experience and sharing their thoughts and experiences with others online. I hope my viewpoint and frame of reference will provide a fresh and needed perspective on the experience of becoming and being an open adoptive family.

A big value for me is growth, and as it takes a village to raise a child, I think it takes a community of thinkers and risk takers to get us to that place of wholeness, belonging, and peace that we want to experience in our families. I don't want to invent the wheel (please excuse the excessive use of cliches - I'm a high school football/track and field coach and I'm addicted to them) so I'm hoping to learn from you all and hopefully I'll be able help others as I'm open about what I'm learning.

I've never done this before, so I'm sure I'll be rusty and somewhat unknowing when it comes to interacting smoothly with this format, but my goal is to be honest and hopeful in all situations. Here's to growth.

Peace.