Its not about me

I had a pretty easy time getting to know our kids birth parents. I seemed to hit it off well with all three. We could talk sports, family, life, whatever, I felt all was cool. Hero didn't seem to connect quite as quickly, and I couldn't understand why. There seemed to be some hurdled she had to jump in sorting out all of the emotions and roles that come with motherhood and birth motherhood. I just didn't understand as I watched from my point of view why it was hard? I'm block-headed sometime. Then the kiss happened.

We had PD fly in for the weekend to bond with Puppy and just hang out. We thought it would be a great time to get to know him without family around and he could see Puppy in his regular setting. You know, get a true sense of what kind of kid he was. The weekend went great. Puppy was anticipating PD's arrival, and woke him up the first morning at the crack of dawn to show him his trains. I think PD was really touched by how quickly Puppy warmed up to him. We went to the park, read books together, did all of Puppy's favorite activities with PD in tow. By the third day Puppy was all over PD, in his lap, on his back, running and tackling. It was all I could have hoped for.

Then as we all were on the floor doing something I can't remember, PD had Puppy in his lap and spontaneously kissed him on his temple. It was the kind of kiss that I give Puppy. The random "I love you" that he doesn't acknowledge but loves. The little somethin' that makes a bond between a dad and his kid ultra special. I should have been stoked because the connection we were hoping would happen between son and birth dad was totally happening. I should have been excited because it would be a story I would be able to tell Puppy for the rest of his life. Instead, all I could think of was "I'm dad, I kiss him like that, not you." I felt anger, the need to protect Puppy, and a little betrayed. I immediately felt the need to assert my self as "daddy daddy" or something so Puppy would not be confused as to whom he would be getting his long term daddy fix from.

Luckily I kept my emotional whirlwind to myself, and I was able to pretend like I was cool. In retrospect I have realized that PD's ability to be free to express his pleasure and happiness in Puppy was a great thing. I'm glad it happened. But I've realized that acknowledging that in fact Puppy does have another dad (which of course I've always known) that I need to include in his life for his own sake will take some growth on my part to embrace with a full and true heart. But, like I knew from the beginning, this isn't about me, its about Puppy. For him, I'll do whatever it takes.

PS. We meet FD for the first time tomorrow, so we're hoping for the best.