200% Dad
So funny thing, I'm hanging out with Beth, Firefly's Birthmom, and she asks me about Ray's recent visit and how that was for me. Get that, the birthmom of my adopted daughter asking me how I'm doing emotionally after a long sustained visit from the birthdad of my adopted son. Only in an Open Adoption. :-)
I shared that this visit was great and I loved to see the two (Puppy and Ray) bonding and spending time together. I told her that the time that was tough for me was the previous visit a year ago. Ray had come out and was having a great time and Puppy was really warming up to him. On day two of the visit I came down stairs to see them playing together and Ray very tenderly patting Puppy's head and reaching over to kiss him on his temple.
I froze. I started to sweat. That's how a dad is supposed to interact with his son. But that's my son, I'm the dad. These thoughts swirled through my head. I took a step down the stairs. Wait, I thought, Puppy does have two dads. Yeah, I'm the one who does the parenting, but he gets his DNA, his biology, his nature, probably most of his personality from the genetic mix that is 50% Ray. At that moment I knew with my heart (I already knew this with my head) that Puppy would always have two daddies and that they both loved him dearly. I knew with my heart that I would never be all of his daddy because there were certain special things that only Ray could be ( a link to his biological history, for example).
I loved Puppy so much, how could I ever get in the way or discourage his little mind and heart from exploring and enjoying all 200% of his daddies. With that in mind I've felt free to love Ray as family and embrace him as part of Puppy's daddy experience. Yeah, I'm Dad, but Ray is Birthdad and that part is mega special. I'm grateful that we can help Puppy know and enjoy him.
I was glad to be able to share that with Beth.
------
For all of those who have left comments on my few posts, I am extremely grateful. I've responded to many of your posts in the comments section of each post.
15 comments:
Maybe Puppy has 200%, not a 95/5 split?
what an awesome conversation to have. only in open adoption indeed.
not sure where you get the 95% estimate. I like the 200% calculation -- because love is multiplied and not divided.
@deb and luna - you guys are right on, I don't know where I got that one either. Thanks for setting me straight. I'm going to make a change in my post right now.
Hey, all, not to rush to my husband's defense or anything, but: I pointed out how his metaphor diminished Ray's influence and presence in Puppy's life and heart. He sees it now and feels pretty bad, because it wasn't what he was trying to convey. He can explain himself, but I think he was thinking more about amounts of time spent with Puppy because the memory he was exploring had to do with watching Puppy and Ray play together (and play is a pretty significant aspect of his parenting). There are certain ways he steps back as "dad" during the days Ray is here with us.
He isn't as used to the scrutiny of the blogging world as the rest of us, so he posts without much editing. :)
hey, I wasn't even thinking about diminishing ray's influence, in particular, but more that each of them have so much to offer in such different ways that it is impossible to divide it.
@heather, I post without editing much too, that's why I have so many typos! ;}
Did not mean to be critical - so sorry if my comment read that way. I really appreciate your blog - thanks for sharing with us! And I am flattered that you incorperated my comment into your post!
I never saw the whole mathematical issue, so all I got was teary-eyed reading this! 95% or 200%, it's good to hear a father's perspective on things.
@deb, luna, Heather, and Megan - You guys are all pretty awesome, I appreciate your feedback and encouragement. I'ld give you all a big hug if I could. Heather, you'll get yours. ;-)
I thought that was a great post. I often wonder how I will feel to witness a visit like you did a year ago with Ray, and imagine that probably my initial reaction will be that it stung, but at the same time, shouldn't they have some of that interaction with their first parents. I didn't see this as diminishing Ray's presence either and actually thought that you guys just bring different things to the table for Puppy, and that isn't a bad thing at all. He does have 200% and that is awesome!
@jacksmom - Yes, I totally agree. With Ray as part of the family I see that Puppy gets so much more, and for that I'm grateful.
you know, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people say they're gonna give something 100% percent - the nerd in me goes "but 100% is really what you're talking about..."
But THIS? This is a 200% I can get behind :)
I think it's such a great way of thinking about it - no criticisms here!!
I love your attitude about this :)
btw, I have given you a blog award (it's a chick thing :p). Check it out at my blog!
Thanks so much for posting this- the struggle as well as the acceptance are equally important to hear about. we're seeing our (youngest) son's birth father in the next couple of days, so reading this feels even more personal. i'm so glad you're writing. the previous post brought me to tears.
Have you thought about how he's going to feel about the details of his life being blogged and also about being called Puppy as if he's not human?
In response to Von's comment, I would be thrilled if my parents had blogged about my childhood. And parents often have non-human nicknames for their kids (noodle, peanut, honey, bean, bug). Puppy is a wonderful nickname and one I'd be proud to have.
Post a Comment